Chip and Salsa Time for NASCAR

by Dale Nixon

Take on the throne
And make it your own
I said, take on the throne
And make it your own

You know- That the war is on
You know- That it can't be won
You know- That the fix is in
And you know that I always win

You know- The good guys lost
You know- War is high on cost
You know- You cannot win
And you know the fix is in

- from Entombed “The Fix is In”

Conspiracy theorists have historically and hysterically had a field day with NASCAR racing. One of the oldest sports urban myths is that of “the call” - the idea that NASCAR officials can and would allow certain teams or drivers to cheat in specific races so that an advantageous event could take place, thus raising the profile of the whole sport. After all, NASCAR's France family are cum laude graduates of the Academy of Vince McMahon WWF/E stage management.

Need Dale Earnhardt to win the Daytona 500, the one accomplishment remaining on his racing resume? Blam - so let it be done. Need Dale Earnhardt Jr. to win at Daytona after his father's tragic death to turn it back into a feel-good story? Blam...it's easy enough to do when NASCAR itself provides the officials that inspect each of the cars, often for details in which a quarter-inch of ground clearance can provide a significant competitive advantage on the track.

So it was really no big surprise that the stock car world's star import Juan Pablo Montoya of Columbia won the NASCAR Busch Series Telcel-Motorola 200 on the 2.518-mile Autodromo Hermanos Rodriguez circuit in Mexico City Sunday afternoon. First Hispanic driver to win a NASCAR event? Check. First Spanish-speaking driver to win in Mexico? Check. Huge television coverage and ratings in all of Central and South America? Check. Exponential expansion of NASCAR and potential sponsors to a lucrative and growing Spanish-speaking market? Check. Ammunition to dethrone the reputation of NASCAR as a hillbilly-redneck-white-as-Ricky Bobby's-Wonder-Bread sport? Checkmate.

The fact that Montoya punted NASCAR part-timer and Chip Ganassi racing teammate Scott Pruett on lap 72, probably the only other driver on the track with as extensive a road-course resume as JPM, was almost inconsequential. The finish seemed to be a foregone conclusion before the haulers headed south of the border to NAFTA's cheap labor colony. Cue the mariachi band and mix the margueritas, it's a Cinco de Marcho, presented by the socially aware and progressively nouveau liberal NASCAR.

"I'm very sorry about what happened with Scott,'' Montoya said. "I thought he saw me and when he came across I had no room to go.''

Yeah sure you are, Juan. Terrible. Awful. Probably won't be able to sleep tonight or all week. Oh yeah, that's because you will be doing interviews 23 hours a day from Bangor to Buenos Aires about your first win and what it means to the future of the sport.

"Of all the people to take you out -- your teammate,'' Pruett said. "That was just lowdown, nasty, dirty driving.''

Pruett of course, went on a little bit longer, also promising to tell his dad when he came home from work and have his mom write a letter to the principal about Juan stealing his lunch money.

But come on, Scott, do you think NASCAR, who botched the checkered flag of the Daytona Frickin' 500 two weeks ago in favor of the ultimate highlight-reel cars on fire and upside down at the finish line spectacle ending is going to listen to your part-time driving white-bread complaint? It's the new age of stock car imperialism.

Do you think anyone is going to listen?

Not a chance, bubba.

The mariachi band is too damn loud. And it's salsa time.