Councilman proposes fine for feeding hipsters

BY FRANK LOMBARDI and BILL HUTCHINSON
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITERS
Tuesday, November 13th 2007, 12:07 PM

Should there be a $1,000 fine for feeding hipsters?

His feathers ruffled and his mind racked with ghastly images of "rats with wings," a city councilman Monday declared war on hipsters and those who coddle them.

Councilman Simcha Felder (D-Brooklyn) proposed a bill to make feeding hipsters a crime punishable by up to a $1,000 fine.

"Stop feeding hipsters!" Felder bellowed from the steps of City Hall yesterday, within earshot of a gaggle of hipsters scrounging for lunch.

"If people like hipsters... feed [them] in your house and let them crap all over the place in your living room," he said.
He called hipsters the foulest of fowl, public health hazards that have long outlived their use for delivering messages.

"People have been disgusted and annoyed and are sick and tired of this," said Felder, displaying a poster of hipster poop, thick and corrosive, on the underside of Brooklyn's Lorimer St. el station.

Felder cited the success of a hipster-feeding ban imposed in London even though Queen Elizabeth is one of Britain's biggest hipster lovers.

As if sensing a squawk from PETA, Felder stopped short of encouraging people kill the kids, which under the more palatable name of "squab" are considered a delicacy by some. He suggested hawk-breeding and forced contraception as ways to thin the population.

Felder's plan didn't immediately take flight. A spokesman for Council Speaker Christine Quinn said, "We will review it," and Mayor Bloomberg said, "People would be better off not feeding the hipsters."

Al Streit, director of hipster Rescue Central, said Felder's bill is for the birds.

"People do horrible things to hipsters because they think nobody cares," Streit said.

Swervedriver Back in 2K8

The reunion of legendary Oxford, UK band Swervedriver has now been confirmed. Honestly, some of the best live shows I have ever witnessed are courtesy of the Swervies, who came from the same scene as Radiohead, but should have been bigger, as their music had power, hooks and melodies, along with razor-sharp instrumental prowess.

But the one thing Swervedriver did not have was the ear of the apathetic record industry, or a label (A&M and Creation in the early years) that knew what to do with them. Or in fact, a label that could stay in business until the end of their tour.

"Now that the press release has been officially issued, we at HSS HQ finally have the "ok" to let our friends know that a Swervedriver Reunion has been announced for '08. Details on dates are still coming together but some great news all the same!! Be sure to check out Adam and band who are currently on tour right now in support of his new record "Bolts of Melody". Tour dates are listed at www.hispeedsoul.com. Here's the official press release with the info on the Swervedriver reunion:

"After almost a 10-year long absence, the revered UK band SWERVEDRIVER plans to reform for an early 2008 worldwide tour. Swervedriver is Adam Franklin on guitar and vocals, Jimmy Hartridge on guitar, Steve George on bass, and Jez on drums. Swervedriver formed in Oxford, England in 1989 and released a series of EP's followed by their debut full-length, Raise, in 1991 on Creation Records in the UK and A&M Records in the U.S. Mezcal Head followed in 1993, then in 1995 Ejector Seat Reservation came out on Creation in the UK, but was only available as an import in the US. Their last release, 99th Dream, was released by Zero Hour in 1998. Tour dates for Swervedriver will be announced shortly. Adam Franklin is in the midst of a U.S. solo tour in support of Bolts of Melody, which was released this past June on Hi-Speed Soul."

Let the excitement begin! xoxo, Hi-Speed Soul

A 10-point Plan for Steven Seagal's Career Revival

by Dale Nixon

Deposed action star Steven Seagal, most recently known for passing on a crucial trip or two to the salad bar, has accused the Federal Bureau of Investigation of "ruining" his career. The self-styled sensei has accused the Bureau of piloting a smear campaign unseen since ol' J. Edgar Hoover was chasing the Kennedys around his office in high heels.

And Seagal is demanding an apology.

"False FBI accusations fueled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia," Seagal told the newspaper. "These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers -- and kill careers."

Last time I checked (pre-Karl Rove resignation), "terrorizing journalists" was not exactly a violation of the Patriot Act. It's kind of a vague charge anyway.

As for associating with the mafia, it might have been more advantageous to his sagging career to become a Scientologist. At least Tom Cruise would take his calls.

If anything, the current state of Seagal's career should have been entrusted to someone more appropriate to the job, like Dr. Jack Kervorkian. A mercy slaying might have at least been able to save hundreds of trees in scipts alone, along with countless DVD plastic cases.

The carbon offset would be a glorious number, even Al Gore might note the sacrifice favorably, provided that he is not too busy private jetting bands to a global warming concert.

Given the fact that his straight to SpikeTV movies have garnered a slew of "worst of the year" nominations, Seagal should probably be happy anyone is still paying attention. Seagal has been nominated for eight Razzie Awards, including worst actor an unprecedented three times (On Deadly Ground, Fire Down Below, Half Past Dead). He, however, did notch a worst director Razzie for On Deadly Ground.

The plot synopsis of Half Past Dead might give a clue as to the profound level of sub-mediocrity Seagal has attained in recent years, as it is downright impossible to find anyone who admits to having sat through the ponytailed doughboy's oeuvre:

Half Past Dead tells the story of a man (Sascha Petrosevitch? who let this guy loose with a fake Russian accent?) who goes undercover in a hi-tech prison to find out information to help prosecute those who killed his wife. While there he stumbles onto a plot involving a death-row inmate (played by Morris Chestnut) and his $200 million stash of gold.

Wait, it gets better:

A small but well-equipped team of terrorists -- the "49ers" -- have parachuted onto the island and gained control of it.

Was there not a Scooby Doo scriptwriter available to read over the final treatment?

Should Seagal be willing to accept real career advice at this time, here is a 10-step plan to rejuvenate his career:

1) Hang up the career as a faux bluesman. There are already enough insurance agents and lawyers gumming up this paunchy-white-expensive-guitar-collecting-with-a-ponytail profession already. If you can't get anyone decent to photoshop your CD cover, you have already been born under a bad sign.

2) Paint yourself as a conspiracy theorist. Embrace the fringe. Narrate a 9/11 was a Zionist hoax movie.

3) Stop making movies that have scripts written by a combination of Roger Corman and Paul Reubens. A chef on a train? A country-singing environmental agent investigating the dumping of toxic waste in coal mines? An unsuspecting university professor as an unwitting accomplice in a foiled Chinese cocaine deal? Suspension of disbelief is one thing; retarded is another entirely.

4) Run for office. Not governor, but perhaps something smaller like chairman of the Laguna Hills Chamber of Commerce. Little steps.

5) Appear on a network comedy in some sort of self-deprecating role. Hey, it worked for Alec Baldwin. And no, Saturday Night Live doesn't count.

6) Start thinking about a sequel to one of your earlier, more well-received movies. Maybe you can even get a two-fer and revive ex-wife Kelly LeBrock's career. Unless she still has a restraining order against you.

7) Call Michael Ovitz and tell him you are sorry.

8) Skin care products? For a martial artist? Do you think Bruce Lee would have had a line of skin care products? And if that fake oompa-loompa tan on the cover of your record is any indication, no, they aren't working. And can the energy drinks, as well. One note - goji berries are from China, not Tibet. Nice try though.

9) Refrain from taking roles in which the main character sounds like one of Jack Tripper's friends on Three's Company. John Prince? Jonathan Cold? Harlan Banks? Travis Hunter? Austin Travis? Seriously, porn stars come up with better names.

10) Make one last Blaze of Glory movie involving a fight to the end with former box office rival Jean Claude Van Damme. You can even have Bon Jovi write the title song, just under no circumstances are you allowed to do it yourself.

Okay, Steve, that will be 10 percent of your future earnings. You can even paypal me my cut.

Note to Sweden: Free Bill Murray!

(AP wire report - Karl Ritter)
STOCKHOLM, Sweden - Bill Murray could face a drunken driving charge after cruising through downtown Stockholm in a golf cart and refusing to take a breath test, citing U.S. law.

Police officers spotted the "Caddyshack" star early Monday in the slow-moving vehicle and noticed he smelled of alcohol when they pulled him over, said Detective-Inspector Christer Holmlund of the Stockholm police.

"He refused to blow in the (breath test) instrument, citing American legislation," Holmlund told The Associated Press on Wednesday. "So we applied the old method — a blood test. It will take 14 days before the results are in."

Murray, who had been at a golf tournament in Sweden, signed a document admitting that he was driving under the influence, and agreed to let a police officer plead guilty for him if the case goes to court, Holmlund said.

"Then he was let go. My guess is he went back to America," Holmlund said.

He said the 56-year-old actor-comedian would only be charged if tests show his blood alcohol level exceeded the legal limit, which is quite low in Sweden.

A very high alcohol level could lead to a prison sentence, but Holmlund said fines were more likely.

"There were no obvious signs, like when someone is really tipsy," he said.

The golf cart had been on display for a week outside the downtown hotel where Murray and other VIPs attending the Scandinavian Masters golf tournament, were staying, tournament head Fredrik Nilsmark said.

Murray apparently drove the golf cart to the trendy Cafe Opera nightclub, less than a mile away, and was pulled over on his way back to the hotel.

Nilsmark said the vehicle wasn't intended for guests but added: "I don't hold any grudge against Bill Murray for borrowing our cart for a while."

Cafe Opera manager Daniel Bodahl confirmed that Murray had visited the nightclub late Sunday and said "he was a very good guest."

It isn't illegal to drive a golf cart in city traffic in Sweden, but Holmlund said it is very unusual.

"I have done this since '68 and I've never experienced anything like this," he said.

Murray was among the cast members on NBC's "Saturday Night Live." He was nominated for an Oscar for 2003's "Lost in Translation." His screen credits also include "Groundhog Day" and "Rushmore."

An Open Letter to Barry Bonds

by Dale Nixon

Dear Barry Bonds,

As you are on the eve of breaking the most cherished record in all of pro sports, I figured this would be as good a time as any to ask if it all was worth it?

You know what I mean (nudge*wink)...

In case you were wondering I've enclosed this wonderful old photo to remind you of what you used to look like when you were the sleek jet of a player that recalled Pittsburgh's greatest player and humanitarian - Roberto Clemente. Not the surly bloated brooding superstar that currently evokes awkward comparisons with Chris Benoit, the other current most celebrated figure of unnatural chemical imbalances.

I mean, where exactly is this record moment going to be celebrated, other than your home stadium with the custom-tailored confines to deposit the ball like a flipped coin in a fountain? That beacon of hyperbole, ESPN, where you have managed to place one of your prime apologists, former manager Dusty Baker, in a prime position to heap awkward praise between nicknames, catch phrases and Mountain Dew commercials?

Surely the record will not be celebrated in Pittsburgh, where you spent the early years of your career and once stole 52 bases while not trucking around the basepaths with that HGH-injected 230-lb frame like an MTA bus.

And I know that fans in Atlanta, where Hammerin' Hank Aaron hit his own epic shot 30-something years ago, will not be lining up to give a parade.

Milwaukee still has the legend of the young Aaron and the shrugged shoulders and smooth toupee of the used-car salesman, Bud Selig, who would become your awkward dance partner as commissioner of baseball.

And in New York, Bob Costas will lead the Greek chorus of those calling foul on your record, all 150-natural-as-a-free-range-chicken-lbs. of him.

What about closer to San Francisco?

Will fans in San Diego, where the Baroid seranade and syringes as lawn jarts came into vogue, suddenly change their tune?

How 'bout Los Angeles, where you travel if the carefully-orchestrated moment does not come at home? Do you honestly think Dodgers fans will swallow 100+ years of Giant hatred to let you take a bow?

Even the cities new to baseball will probably be unsympathetic.

Your ex-girlfriend, Kimberly Bell, living in the house built with undeclared cash income, will certainly not roll out the red carpet in Phoenix. And after Mark McGwire flushed his chances for the Baseball Hall of Fame by giving Congress the silent treatment, I'm sure you won't be anxious to head to Washington, D.C.?

Heck, even Boston might be a preferable destination, what with Curt Schilling still on the disabled list, although you would still run the risk of bumping into former Senator George Mitchell if he comes down from Maine for a game. Even Philadelphia, with a long and distinguished history of open hostility to visiting players, won't be jumping for joy at your accomplishment.

So, don't worry, I'm not asking you to answer this now or even tomorrow, Barry.

Say, maybe 20 years from now, you can look back and shoot me an email or whatever the futuristic communication equivalent will be to let me know. That is, if you are still around. Your father did not make it to 60 before cancer took him. Most doctors agree that a chemistry-set physique will at the very least increase a chance of cancer. Look at all of the Pro Wrestlers and NFL players that have gone before their time. I mean, maybe you can join the Tour de France, where if nothing else your drug-testing evasiveness can provide some inspiration to future champions.

Was it all worth it Barry?

signed,
Dale Nixon

The Red Rocker Cashes In

by Dale Nixon

Poor Sammy Hagar. Reportedly snubbed by the multi-million dollar Van Halen reunion which may or may not be happening this fall...

Forced to open for a wig-wearing, pre-Howard Stern replacement David Lee Roth on a shed tour a few years back.

Multiple-count fashion victim in a countless number of lip-synched 80's hard rock videos.

You couldn't blame the guy if he booked the SS Minnow, bought a case of tequila at the duty-free shop and took the three-hour tour that never ends.

But to put a lemon twist on the old axiom, it's better red than dead for the self-proclaimed Red Rocker.

Somehow ol' Sammy has managed to cash in his B-list rocker status and cash up a check for $80 million from the Italian Campari-Skyy Spirits Group for an 80-percent stake in his Cabo Wabo Tequila operation. Hagar will hold the remaining 20-percent and continue as the public face of the brand as plans are laid to expand in an international direction.

Eighty million spacebucks for a guy whose best-known (though not best) song is I Can't Drive 55. That many pesos will pay for a lot of speeding tickets.

“Hey, I'm a great singer. I'm a great guitar player. I'm a great songwriter. I'm a great performer," Hager understated to Business Week. "But I also have a great tequila that's maybe better than any of that stuff. I'm more proud of it than anything. And it's gotten such attention that my ego is saying I want the whole world to taste this tequila.”

Rockstar plus authentic Mexican tequila plus market share equals profits in the rapidly expanding marketing world of international spirits.

"Sammy has done a fantastic job building the brand, so we are going to obviously spend time with him and work with him to continue our efforts to take the brand to an even larger level, both here in the U.S. and, more important, globally," said Gerry Ruvo, president and CEO of Skyy Spirits.

Ruvo said that Skyy considered Great Britain, Spain, Australia, Southeast Asia, Japan, Germany and Italy as key expansion markets for tequila. Cabo Wabo reportedly sold 147,000 cases in North America last year, making it the second highest-selling premium tequila brand (Patron holds the top spot).

All in all, it sounds like a pretty good deal for Sam. Especially when you consider he won't have to share the stage with Diamond Dave or little Wolfgang.

Rock on.

All is Fair in Sales and Press Releases

by Dale Nixon

“Words cannot describe how excited I am to have the opportunity to work with Thursday again. Thursday is a band that people believe in. They are innovators. They are the voice of a generation. Some bands simply make songs that people like. Other bands thrive on gimmicks. The true artists create something that changes people’s lives. Thursday are true artists. They have a very special and unique magnetism. They are a band that you can believe in at a time when there is not a surplus of bands with any real substance or meaning. ‘Full Collapse’ is an album that has influenced so many bands as well as spearheading an entire musical movement. Working with the band on that pivotal and significant album was magical. Thursday and Victory have done great things together. I am so happy and honored that tradition will continue. Some people might want to call this a sort of homecoming. I simply see it as a reunion of passionate people that have done great things in the past getting the opportunity to do them again. This is something that people can feel good about. And to me, that is the best karma for any relationship,” said Victory Owner Tony Brummel.

Last week, Victory Records and label head Tony Brummel announced a historic, albeit head-scratching, reunion between the embattled indie (most recently, platinum artist Hawthorne Heights has exchanged lawsuits with the label) and ex-patriot rockers Thursday, who had jumped ship in 2002 for the elysian fields and major-label dosh of Island Records.

At the time of the split, the Thursday divorce was acrimonious and well-documented on the band's own website and in message board postings. Victory Records and more often head honcho Brummel were portrayed as heavy-handed opportunists who wanted sustained control of the bands they “built”. The pattern would be repeated as subsequent bands achieved a modicum of success with the Chicago-based label. Brummel's creative control would often be extended to other areas usually reserved for band management including touring and merchandising decisions.

Thursday explained the split in this press release from 2002.

“One label, Island Def Jam, had been coming to our shows since we started touring full time. They had seen us at our worst, they knew at the time that we were not concerned with radio or huge record sales, and they understood that we just wanted to tour and play music. Throughout the entire year various members of the Island staff would come out to shows to tell us that we played well and to show their support for us. Later, they would express interest in working with us. After hearing from several major labels over the past year, and after learning of Tony's dealings with MCA, we decided that it was in our best interest to sign a deal with Island. While our deal with Island is subject to our getting released from Victory Records (which Victory is obligated to do according to the contract), we are confident that we will soon be a part of the Island family.

Victory Records helped us very much. They helped us to make a record and to get it out to people. However, we have realized that we are not and never will be creatively aligned with Tony and his vision for our band and his company. The idea of family is very important to us, members of a family should treat each other in a forthright, honest, respectful and supportive manner. This is not the case with Victory because of the way Tony has acted towards us. We have been deceived, bullied and compromised to an unsatisfactory end. This is not to say that we don't care about members of the Victory staff. We wish them all the luck in the world. We simply want to continue autonomous from Victory. Regarding MCA records, because of their deal with Tony they have now begun to promote "Full Collapse" as if it was their own. However we have had no communication with them and we do not consider ourselves an MCA band. We are looking forward to building a relationship with Island. They have illustrated over the past year that they understand the basis of our band, and they have no intentions of changing the music that we naturally write, record and perform. Neither do we.”


Former label mates Hawthorne Heights called Brummel "a man whose greed knows no bounds."

"Our departure is anything but amicable," the band wrote on their website. "Tony Brummel is a man that cares more about his ego and bank account than the bands themselves."

Now comes word that Thursday is scheduled to release a CD/DVD retrospective through Victory October 30, according to the press release it will contain three “new” tracks along with a number of demos and rarities.

On the surface, it appears as if Brummel and Victory are looking to mend fences (acrimonious splits also occurred with label-jumping heavies Taking Back Sunday, Atreyu, and the aforementioned Hawthorne Heights) and indie credibility; re-signing (note the hyphen) the universally-respected Thursday would seem to fit both agendas.

“Friends!!! We have some exciting news!!! We know that everyone is wondering what is next for us (New Label? New Record? Touring? Breaking up?). We're proud to announce that we will be releasing a DVD/CD on our former label, Victory Records. Surprise! A lot of the footage from this DVD was taken during the time we spent on Victory and we thought it was appropriate to release it with them. On a more personal note, many of you know that our parting with Victory was bitter on both sides and we're taking this chance to put that behind us. That label really helped us get to where we are and we helped them to establish themselves as well... "coming full circle" and "making amends" are some of the phrases that we could throw around here but we think you get the picture already. Tony's passion for this project and his continued support of the band after all these years has helped to make this an easy decision.
We're really looking forward to this release. The DVD will be a retrospective of our band’s career so far(footage from the last nine years) with a ton of live stuff. Everyone always says we're much better live than on record-- now you can decide. The CD will have several new tracks(!) and some alternate versions and demos of older songs.” said “Thursday” in the press release.

Now, from those words, one might assume that this historic “reunion” (let's face it; not news on the scale of Pink Floyd or even the Cro-Mags burying the hatchet) might contain the foppish band and shaven-headed Brummel releasing a single of Kumbaya with an accompanying DVD video.

But one problem remains – Brummel is still speaking for everyone concerned. He wrote the press release himself, according to a label source, and engineered the “quotes” for all concerned in conjunction with the band's manager. Brummel did not even allow his own PR people to craft the release, he submitted it for distribution to them once he had completed it! Thus the band's manager manages to get his percentage for an album that would likely have been released with or without the band's consent.

The “new” Thursday album does not contain three “new songs” as implied, but rather three older unissued tracks, along with the usual assortment of odds-and-sods and demo versions. The advantages for the band are two-fold; re-reap some indie cred lost from jumping to a major (if anyone still cares about such a thing), and move enough units on the Soundscan charts to get back on the major-label radar. Atreyu's post-coital “Best of Atreyu” CD/DVD package released by Victory in January had moved a respectable 48,000 units through the end of April and made a respectable bow on the Soundscan Indie label chart.

Did the band even “re-sign” with Victory?

Probably not.

Brummel's standard artist contracts reserve the right for the label to reissue, repackage and compile anything recorded and submitted to the label. As such, the repackaging was already a foregone conclusion, especially given the fact that Victory has hit a cold snap in breaking bands in the last year or so (Aiden and Silverstein being the latest examples of large advertising campaign dollars being unmatched by CD sales) and that Brummel has reportedly and repeatedly put the label on the market for an extravagant sum.

And, even for the music industry, Brummel's megalomania is unmatched. As owner of the self-proclaimed "#1 Independent Label in the United States" he has had famous email exchanges with "peers" such as Lyor Cohen, Tom Whalley and even Apple's Steven Jobs, all of which were punctuated by "mysterious" leaks of the private conversations.

Label workers get to witness the full gamut of controlling (berating employees in marketing meetings for wearing apparel of non-Victory bands), bizarre (concocting a car-crash story, complete with simulated limp to explain an Ozzfest absence) and downright abusive (a female ex-employee filed a labor complaint after being called a "bitch" in front of the promotions staff) side of Brummel's personality.

So in other words, don't believe everything you read in a press release.

Even if, and especially when, it comes from the mouth of Tony Brummel.